Welcome to My Daily Diary. There wont be any identities or info about me or anyone else mentioned here because I feel that it is not necessary. I just wanted to put this up because I feel that it is a good hobby and it helps me, not to mention that I have been wanting to do this for a long time... January/24/2010 ---------------------------------------------------- I have had a good weekend. hung out with friends at the local bar on friday night, took my son and signed him up for his little league that is about to start and had lunsh with him, went out to the local bar on saturday night and somehow a conversation started with two younger realy cute girls and made me feel young again. it was very pleasant. I also worked on my projects and as usual tied to mend thing with my girl "friend" which i think it is going no whre and as i said before it needs to end soon becaue it is probablt better for both of us. As it is now, i dont feel like i have a girlfriend anyways because we constantly fight nd dont do anything together and are not intimate at all. She goes out wit her friends and spends the night at their house and i dont knwo if she is telling the truth or not but i do know her freinds and they are to be trusted. But tht doesnt mean that she was out with them and/or spent the night at their house. She has cheated on me before and has been caught and i dont know why i have taken her back. I am stupid, that's why. Today i am panning to go see my family and have dinner with them and maybe work a little on my projects. Work has been extremely slow and i hope that it picks up soon. This year did not start vey good at all so i guess i can look forward to the new month coming and hope that things get much better. January/21/2010 ---------------------------------------------------- Well, things have calmed down a bit and i seemy son on a dilay basis now again and evry morning take himm and his buddy to school. I also make his lunch for himeveryday and breakfast as well. I just love doing that. He is a great kid and with great abilities and extremely smart. I just need to take care of a couple of personal issues an dthen i have my plans that i want to xecute and start focusing on getting back on the main track and makng money and being happy. I have strated working out for the past few months very seriously and have seen great results and basically lost all my extra pounds now and i am very much fit. Of course that comes with getting hut and pain and i hav had my share of that but after everything it is a great reward to see this kind of results. I love going to the gym and working out and then coming home and relaxing and maybe having some wine or just grabbing a guitar and just laying for a while. I believe that this January month has had its share of obstacles for me ad generally January has always been like that for me and i am willing to bet that things will turn around to a better situation and things wil get back on track. I think this whole relationship with my girlfriend just needs to end. It is just beter for both of us. It is literally dragging me down as the fight snad arguments just dont stop and 95% of it is not even me and it is just small stupid things that make her blow up. i just want to get away from it. January/2/2010 ---------------------------------------------------- So a lot has happenned and a lot of good and bad things have happenned. My business has been doing great and everything has been great as far as financials goes. I have managed to outlast the bad economy and still am doing good as far as business goes. My girelfriend has been the same girfriend and believe it or not she actually has moved in with me for the past 6 months which is probably unbeleivable to everyone. My little boy has grown up as wlel and he is a little man now. But things have taken a dark turn in the past few eeks and i have been engaged in a lot of verbal fights bd by that i mean really dark and bad words and shouting matches and everything involved with my same girl friend. I dont know how to describe it but i am in a free fall and am desperately trying to hold on right now. Eveyhing bad that can possibly happen in 48 hours has happenned. My son's mom has even gotten in on it and has told me that i am not allowd to see my son anymore because i am unstable which is a bunch of balony because she doesnt even know anything about what is going on. I think time will heal and i just need to stay focused and take care of all this like a man. I will try hard to write everyday now and will get back into my diary affairs and hope that it does the same healin as it has in the past for me. I missed this and been wanting to write about my life for a long time and just havent had the time or desire to. But i am back. I love life and all that is there to offer. I just need a break right now and hope thyat everythin gwil work out. My son comes first in my life and that is my biggest worry. November/21/2008 ---------------------------------------------------- It is just about Thanks Giving and times are getting worst and people are in such bad mood because of it. This economy is screwing up a lot of lives. Thank god thta so far my work has been ok and steady. Things have been ok with the exception of a few speed bumps but i am doing great and my son is doing great. My life is just turned out to be working, working, taking care of my son, working, sleeping and working in the past year. I have been exercising an dtrying to get in better shape and just want things to go right and give my son a better life. His mother is tsill th esame old careless person and i feel that i have the whole responsibility to take care of him and that is ok by me but i wish i had a little bid of help from her. I just keep on having this bad feeling that things arent gonna go right but i know that if i keep on doing what i am doing and trying harder i can reach what i want to achieve. December/6/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I am very tired today. Didnt get much sleep at all last night. Took my son to school and went to work. Have had a busy day doing all the old work and trying to catch up. Not really making much money because of the holidays. I cant believe that his mother hasnt even called for 2 days to see if my son is ok. I spoke with my girl and everything seems to be ok but she still only wants to be friends which is ok by me right now because there are many thing s going on .She is still sick and i am trying to help her as much as i can to make her feel better. She is so cute when she is sick. Like a little girl. December/5/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Picked up my son and took him to school. He was a little upset because he said that his step dad told him that when they move to that ghetto neighborhood he wont see me as much. Maybe 2 days a week and he will spend the nights there with them. My son told me that he wants to live with me and get away from them and doesn't want to move there. I can see that it is bothering him. I assured him that he will see me all the time and stay with me because him mom and step dad have to work all day and are now even further away from work. He says that keep on telling him that he is a spoiled brat and i made him that way and take his stuff. My son told me that his sister got into a fight with the step dad and he packed up her things and told her to get out of there and his mom backed him up so his sister hasn't been back for a week now. I just dont understand what their problem is. If he is having issues, kids shouldn't be paying for it. I will keep him over night to make him feel better. I met with his teacher and she told me how much potential he has and that he is very smart and can easily get A's even if he barely tried. I was very impressed. I have a msile on my face just even thinking about him. He is my little man. Talk to my girl as well and she is coming over later on as well for dinner. December/4/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I woke up and took my son and took him to school. Worked all day and then picked him up from school. i have a meeting with his teacher tomorrow and he is a little nervous about that but i know that it will be fine. I dropped him off at his mom's at 6:30 when they got home from work and had to do some more work. December/3/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Picked up my son and took him to school. worked all day and then picked him up. he is spending the night with me as well and we are going to do some school work for him to catch up with all his math stuff. I love it when he stays with me all day which has been 3 or 4 nights a week lately for the past 2 years. He is happy when he is with me and always complains about how he is treated at his mom's. December/2/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- woke up at my new place and loved it. went to work and worked all day. talked to my girl and we just said to forget about the day before. It went pretty well. i am tired and will go home to get some rest. Spoke to my son today and he said that his step dad is in a bad mood and is yelling at him al lday. December/1/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Woke up today and was in the moving zone. I got all my stuff packed and picked up my son and he helped me move all out stuff to the new place. We have a great new place twice as big as our old one with pool, Jacuzzi, work out room, walk in closet, and secure underneath parking, Sauna, and great view from the balcony as well ass all new appliances and carpet. I love it and my son is SOOOOO excited. All day i was moving and cleaning. OH YEAH, did i mentioned i have my own washer and dryer and i love it. I washed and washed and put everything and away and cleaned and now i am going to sell my TV and buy a Flat screen digital TV and my place will be complete and awesome looking. I cant wait. I also went to my storage unit and picked my kitchen furniture with my son and brought them over so i need to do some grocery shopping now. i went over my girl's house at night to spend the night there. We are getting closer to each other but as friends which i dont mind because i just want t be with her and near her. we had dinner and just went online and started Christmas shopping and had some drinks and she started getting a little mean (i under stand that she is in a bad mood because she is sick but come on) so i ended up leaving and went over to my new place and spent my first night there. It was great and i loved it. November/30/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Woke up today and gave my son a ride to school. Got back to the office and got some work done. Was very serious all day and wanted to get some stuff done. Spoke to my girl and she told me that we could see each other. I picked up my son's mom at 1 from Downtown to give her a ride home because she called and said that she didnt feel good. I saw an opportunity to talk to her about our son and we got into a huge argument about him being tired in school and she said that she tells him to go to sleep at 9 and then she goes to sleep and she has no control over him being up. That is the lamest excuse i have ever heard. She said that she was glad that he got bad grades because it is his attitude and that he is too cocky and that is why he didnt listen in class and didn't do his homework. She actually said that she was glad that he got bad grades. I couldn't believe my ears and just went off on her told her how bad of a mother she could be sometimes. This is nothing that anyone should ever blame their son on if they know that it is them and their actions. She knows very well that my son just doesn't really like it there and wants to be with me because he sees a light at the end of the tunnel with me and his life is much better and cared for and it is bugging her. Well good, i hope it does. Anyways, i hope this all turns out to be a good thing and helps me and my son. She is supposed to see if she can get a loan to buy that house in the worst neighborhood ever this week and i am just crossing my fingers that she doesn't because i dont want my son to end up anywhere near there. So ay night time I went a saw my girl and we had dinner together. I ended up spending the night at her place and we just talked and had a great time. She told me that she wanted to just be friends for a while and i respect that. Although i am sad but there is nothing i can do about it. She has a bad cough and we think she may have a throat or tonsil problem. My day was just a normal boring day at work. November/29/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I feel much better today. I think I am almost done with this cold. So I picked up my son this morning. I dropped him off last night at his mom's so he hopefully will get a speech from them as well because I let her have it last night and let her know that whatever is happening at her house is dragging him down with his school performance. I told her that he goes to bed at my place no later than 9 p.m. and does all the things that he is suppose to. I also let her know that he needs to have his homework checked when he is over there like I do and make sure all school work is done correctly because that is one of the complaints. She told me "I go t bed at 9 p.m. and tell him to go to school. He stays up and I cant see if he is actually going to sleep or not." That is the worst excuse I have ever heard. Oh yes, I went to sleep officer at 9 p.m. and didnt know my son was going to go out and do drugs and join a gang and be up to no good because I was asleep and sleep is everything to me. You have got to be kidding me. It is bad enough to neglect your son and not see him the whole day, but when you get home you still continue to do the same and then go to sleep and not check on his school stuff or anything. He has asked me so many times right after I give him a hug and kiss and tell him that I love him "How come my mom doesnt give me hugs or kisses anymore?". My answer always is "Because your mom is really busy and she has another younger son that she needs to take care of as well and that's why I am giving you all the hugs and kisses for the both of us, she still loves you very much". get so upset when I think about this. Well, when I picked him up this morning he was trying to be so much quicker in things like running up to the car and getting in the car and saying hello and putting on his sit belt. I can tell that he is trying to say that he is sorry and he will do better by his actions but I still kept a straight face and didnt give him much affection so he understands that this is still a very serious issue. So I gave him his snack and lunch money as everyday and dropped him off at school. After I dropped him off last night, I called my girl and went over her place to make sure she is ok because she I sick as well. She was much better and on the internet chatting. So we had a long talk and she advised me to get help from someone to pick up my son from school a couple of days a week and watch him for a couple of hours since I am doing this everyday. I need to run my business and have to leave everyday between 2 to 2:30 to pick him up and it looks very unprofessional of me and is bringing my work performance down. She also advised me to talk to my son's mom and ask her for half the cost of the baby sitting fee for this task. I promised her that I would but I already know the answer. His mom is going to laugh and say "ya right" and hang up on me. I will ask her today if I get to talk to her. I also had a nice talk with my girl about us and hope that we can fix things and be back together soon because I miss her so much. Because of what has happened between us, I have kind of learned to pay attention to her more and I kind of like all the stuff she talks about and her stories and work stuff. I did before but I wasn't into it as much. She is pretty talkative but then again so am I :) November/28/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I woke up this morning with still a little bid of cold symptoms. I got ready and took a shower and changed and got my son ready (he spent the night with me) and gave him breakfast and took him to school. On the way to school I got a traffic ticket which I think was just so unfair. I am definitely going to fight it in court. I then went ahead and met the new landlord to sign the lease contract and got my keys and looked around to get familiar with the place. I feel very good about it. But that ticket just started the bad day. Then I got to the office and started my daily routine of checking emails and answering emails and I received an email from a very unhappy client which I did some work for. The problem is that every once in a while u get a client that thinks they know more than they actually do and that causes problems. This was the classic case of that and it turned out and whatever I say to this client they already think they know it and so there came a point that I just had to set the boundaries and let them know that what I did and said was it in this profession and if they thought that they could do better and/or know so much then they should do it themselves. That didn't go too well with this client. I know it is unprofessional of me to do this but sometimes you just have to hold your own, especially when you think that it is dragging you down and you are working a lot more than you had anticipated and it is making you loose money. Then I checked the stock market and in such a green and positive day in the market, my stock was down over 8% on bad news that came out of no where. That just made me blow a gasket. So I tried not to let it bother me as much as I could and got to do some work and it was time for me to go get my son from school. So I went ahead and picked him up and he had his report card with him. I read it and all his grades are basically C's and one D and tow B's. I was shocked. My son's grades have never ever been below 85% to 95%. All his grades have always been A's and B's and the only complain was always the lack of participation and excessive talking which I can understand since he is just like how I was when I was his age. Then I read the teacher's brief explanation and it says that he always appears tired in class and has his head down and therefore missing the things that are going on in class and is lacking a lot of his reading assignments. I am so furious because when he is with me, I make sure that he hits the bed at the most by 9 p.m. I have no control of what time he goes to sleep when he is with his mom and she told me a couple weeks ago that she woke up and he was still up at 11:30 p.m. watching T.V. There is absolutely no enforcement of anything in that house. They dont check on his homework, they dont check on any of his reading assignments and they dont check to see when he goes to sleep. They just go to sleep at around 8:30 to 9:30 and that's it. He is on his own and has told me many times that he just goes to sleep on the couch or his bed whenever he feels like it. I have my back against the wall here. What can I do about this? I don't want to see my son this way and I know he is very smart and all teachers have always said so. But if there isn't some kind of discipline, what's a young boy got to do? They dont know any better. Anyhow, I am very upset and have let him know that and have taken away his iPod and his guitar and his online gaming website (changed the password) and have told his mom to give his video game console and no more TV or anything and he needs to go to sleep early . I hope she enforces this but then again I have gone that route before. I also, talk to my girl and she is still sick. We talk a little more now but I still dont know what I can do to make her realize that I am there for her and sincere and need her in my life. I just hope things can get better than this because it seems like that everything around me is just negative. November/27/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Well, I am still sick today. I woke up with the whole shabang. Took my son to school and came back home and went back to sleep until 11 a.m. I woke up and didn't know where or who I was for a second. I hate it when that happens. I got my self up and ready and came to work and have been trying to get some stuff done. Phone is been ringing off the hook and it is driving me crazy. I have been a getting a lot of emails to and just cant handle it right now. I talked to my girl last night and she seems like she is a bid sick as well. I guess it is goig around. The stock market is not doing me too good either right now and my stocks shares that I own are down which is worrying me. I just want to get away. I wish that I could find someone that could take care of my son for a week and take him to school and feed him and just be there for him so I can just get away. If I just got up and left right now, he wont go to school as it has happened before. They just keep him at home and dont care about school or anything. His mom says that she doesn't have a car to take him and she will either drop him off with a baby sitter or just take the days off and stay home but will refuse to walk him to school which is about 10 blocks from where she lives. Now, if that is being irresponsible ten I dont know what is. I am always the one enforcing things as far as school and checking on his homework and tests results and seeing his teachers and buying him the tings that he needs. And I still pay her child support which I just dont get how that works since I always have him and pay for EVERYTHING for him. Business is slow and it is hard to be upbeat about things. I wish that things were a little different between me and my girl. I asked her to do something with me on New Years Ever and go somewhere for a few days and she said probably not. SO I guess I have to fins things to do myself. Maybe I go to a vacation city or a gambling city just to get my mind off everything. I am getting ready to move and that is never fun. wow, I havent said one positive thing yet today. On the positive note, I think I am getting a little better. :) November/26/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I am sick today. I woke up with a cold that I have been slowly getting. It started with my throat yesterday and today tit is my nose, throat and head. Feel awful. I picked my son up and we went for lunch at a Middle Eastern restaurant for a change. The food was great. Then we went to the guitar center so we can goof around a little. He loves that place. Then we went home and played with our guitars for a while and went out again for some ice cream. I had a great time with me. I talked to my girl and much to my surprise she said it was ok for us to meet and maybe have dinner because of my birthday. So I dropped off my son (felt pretty bad but I just need to these days) and went and picked her up. We went to a Mexican restaurant and had a great time and talked and laughed and ate. They had karaoke night there but not just your normal karaoke, but a Ranchero one with drunken Mexicans and old women trying to sing. It was horrible but very funny. Then went back to her place so I can check out her laptop that is acting up and just laid on the bed and talked more for an hour. I then left to get home as it was getting pretty late. I think she just needs time alone to herself. There are some things that I just cant explain but she is very much into her thoughts and desires and needs sometime alone. I hope this means that I can be in her life again someday. We had a great time and it seems like we could be happy like all the time with a little effort from both of us and some mutual respect. I got home and just sat there very happy about seeing her. At the same time my throat was hurting and I knew that I was coming down with something. I had a pretty bad night and just couldn't sleep which is much the same for the last 2 weeks. I need some good sleep soon or else I will go insane. Woke up this morning and picked up my son and took him to school. I have to meet with his teacher later on today for a parent teacher meeting and hopefully things are ok wit him which I know they are. He is a good kid. I also talked with my new landlord and setup a date to meet with her and sign papers so I can move this Friday or Saturday. I HATE MOVING. Oh well. It's a very nice place with pool and Jacuzzi and work out room and everything else. Small but good enough for me and my son until this housing market gets better and I can buy a house again. I need a vacation soon just to relax and get my mind off a lot of things. I am cold and shivering and at work trying to get some stuff done. Hope fully I get some new business soon as it is VERY slow right now. After I picked up my son today from school, he told me that he got his weekly test results back and again he got a 75% in math. He is a straight A student and this has never happened before. I work with him on his homework and he seems to be ok. I think the fact that his mom is talking about moving is really bothering him. he went from a great school up until last year to a brand new not as good school and lost al his friends. I begged his mom to let him stay there but she kept on saying that she couldnt afford it. I dont see why not since I paid for his school tuition and all his clothes and basically everything else. So now he thinks that he may change schools again to a very bad school where they are moving to and the effects are showing through his grades. I keep on assuring him that he will stay here but I just hope he can deal with this. He is a great kid and I don't want to see him down like this. He tells me that he doesn't want his mom to move and wants to stay with me and live with me and see his mom whenever he wants to. I can see that he is not happy there. I can only hope that someday I will have him live with me and see his mom whenever he wants to. Lets face it; his mom is never there, she doesn't care about his education, never checks on his homework, doesn't even know if I met with his teacher for a parent teacher meeting, never takes him to school, never picks him up, never even once went to his baseball games last year(even at his playoff games), doesn't even call to see how he is when he is with me (it could be a week and she wont call), and I bet doesn't even know who his friends are and who he likes and doesn't. I have never seen a mother like that. All she wants to do is sleep and have a good time and work. Kids are just there. Same thing is happening with their other younger son and I will feel very bad for him because this time the dad is the same as the mom. November/25/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Well, happy birthday to me. I woke up with a huge hang over. I went out last night and all the people I know kept on buying me shots. I didnt really want to do that but at least it kept me from thinking about the girl I love. I went from one bar to another in my local town. Met up with some friends that were there and met a girl that looked like a stripper. A huge Tattoo on her chest and wasn't afraid to show it. She wouldn't leave me alone and asked me to go dancing with her at another club down the street. I said I couldn't and she got mad and left. too funny! I had a couple f friends text message me and say happy birthday and that's about it. Finally at 2 a.m. I got a text from her and all it said was Happy Birthday. I guess she went out and just texted me when she got home. I don't know, maybe. It was horrible at the beginning until I took those shots. I think I texted her a few times and told her that it was so wrong of her at least not acknowledging my birthday. I was there for her at her birthday. At least I thought we were friends and that is what friends do. My son called me yesterday and said happy birthday so I picked him up and went and had some food together. I feel very bad about not being so close to him in the past week or so but I am just so down over this. I thought things will get better and we will have a great relationship and be happy. She loves my son and they get along great. I just dont get it. I am going to pick up my son and take him for lunch and maybe a movie so we can spend some time together. He sees it in my face that I am down and knows why. It sucks. I was going to go to some new car show but just dont have the energy to do it today. I need to also come up with a new marketing plan to make this business a little more mainstream and have better revenues. I hate this. Everytime I am thinking and planning something she pops into my mind and it just kills it for me. Even now as I am writing this it just did and I forgot what I was going to type. My son says that he made a chocolate cake for me so that remains to be seen. He is soooooo cute. He just called me and said "why haven't you called me yet?". And I said that he is the one who should call me on my birthday. He laughed. I guess I will go pick him up now. My girl just texted me with a happy birthday card and that just put a HUGE smile on my face. I really appreciated that. It meant a lot coming from her. Of course I texted back and asked if she wants to have dinner with me and she said no and that it's not a good idea. I just need a chance to prove to her that we are meant to be together. Some people get that chance and some don't. I agree that things weren't so great between us but I have made a huge commitment to myself to change and take my life with her to the next level which I never ever thought I would. So this time it is different. The people that get that chance are the ones that are very happy and fulfill their life with joy. I want to be that person. It is Sunday, my birthday, I am sitting here alone, working, basically having tears in my eyes, not knowing what the future holds and know that I have to get up and go and do things and act like I am happy. what a day, huh? November/24/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I woke up this morning and went for a Jog. I knew I had to get to work for a few hours and I wasn't looking forward to it. I finally got the courage to go out last night and went to a local bar and had a few drinks. All I could think of was my girl. Ran into a couple of friends and hung out with them and met one of their friends (a girl) who is a 8th grade teacher in Fresno and was just talking to her about my relationship and it helped a lot. She told me if I feel this strongly about someone then I should go for it and let them know and let faith take its course. She was very nice and it gave me a boost. I didnt want to drive home so I parked my car and just walked back to my place which is very close. As I was entering my building I heard a voice and it scared me. I turned around and it was an older African American guy asking me to help him and give him a blanket so he can be warm. I felt really bad and let him inside the building in the basement and gave him a blanket to go to sleep. He looked so happy and excited. I text messaged my girl and told her and she finally after the whole day ignoring me text messaged me back and said that this was a good thing to do. I felt so happy to hear her voice. This morning I woke up and went downstairs and he was still there and looked so happy and comfortable. So I gave him a breakfast bar and told him that he probably should get going before the manager finds out. I feel so good by doing that and hopefully he did as well. It is a beautiful day today and I want to go by my girl's place and ask her to see if she wants to go have lunch but I dont know if I have the courage. I know that it is innocent but I dont know if she'd like that. I also havent seen my son for a couple of days and hope to see him today. Maybe we can have dinner tonight. I had a dream last night that I was being chased by someone that my girl sent to beat me up and I kept on saying "but why", but why?". So the guy finally caught up to me and was kicking me on the floor and she came up and screamed at him and was saying "dont hurt him, dont hurt him". It was very weird. And then right after that I was sitting in Denny's (of all places) by myself eating food. I have no idea where that came from. My son's mom is planning to move at the end of this month if she can and it is bothering me so much because they are seriously moving to a very bad and gang infested city. I just want my son to be safe and go to a great school and have a great life and I cant get to his mother's head that she is making the wrong move. She even knows that this is a very bad city and doesn't need to move. But her sister has brain washed to her to buy her house and I know that this will be a HUGE mistake for her since she has no savings and doesn't even know how to save money. I have been asked at least once per month to borrow 10 dollars for gas and 30 dollars for the gas bill and 50 bucks for the electricity bill and her cell phone is always shut off because she cant pay that bill. How will she pay the mortgage? anyways, I have a lot of problems of my own to deal with at the moment. I need to move in 6 days, my girl just doesnt want me and I really need her in my life, my son is a big worry for me, my business is very slow right now and I need some quality sleep. November/23/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I woke up this morning and took a shower and came to work. I had a couple of appointments with one being 2 hours late and it pissed me off. But oh well, what can u do. I only slept a little because I drank some wine to relax myself. I finally spoke with her last night and we spoke about a lot of things. I really believe that she needs some time off from me and all this but I also do believe that she still has feelings for me. I bought her some flowers for thanx giving and dropped it off by her door. I went to my sister's house for a quick stop and couldn't stay there long because I just wasn't in the mood I know that it is rude and bad of me but I just couldn't. They had a birthday cake for me as well and I just couldn't stay. They gave me some left over food (TG food) and after I spoke with my girl I realized that she didn't have any turkey on TG night so I went by and dropped some off for her at her door and then text messaged her that there was some turkey waiting for her behind the door. She text messaged me and said that she appreciated it. I felt really good about doing that because I don't think anyone should go without some homemade TG food on that night. So far my day has been the same as the past week, very empty and cold. God I miss her. I told her that last night that I would give anything for any of her hugs. She said needed some time off and needed to be alone. She said that she needed her space for a while. I hope it doesn't mean that she wants to date others. I hope she will think clearly and maybe give me another chance. This time I am ready. I am gonna go and exercise next. I need to run a little. I have lost about 8 to 10 pounds in the last 10 days because of lack of eating. I may just get my son and do something with him so I can get this off my mind for a little bid. There are so many things I want to tell her and I just can't. I feel like I have told her how I feel and how much I want her company. I remember when I was 21 I was head over heels for this girl I was dating but when we broke up I just went out with friends like nothing happened. We went out every night and I just forgot about it. I cant do that anymore because I am older now and really don't have the desire to go out anymore like that and don't have the friends to do it either. Also, my feelings are much stronger for this girl. I am going to call the Vegas casinos to see if I can get a room for New Year's ever there. I want to ask her if she would like to go and maybe she will go with me and I don't mind if it is just as friends. My friend wants me to play guitar for his band but I don't know if I want to do that because I really am not into that kind of music. It's more like R&B. he just called me to go with them to their rehearsal and give it a shot this weekend but I doubt it. I want to find a cover band or my own band just to play and get some playing time going again. I love to play guitar but I never made it my soul career choice and probably never will. I am successful at what I do but it comes with a cost of not having time for other things and that was one of the things that I am working on because it was a problem in my relationship. Anyways, it is almost th eend of the year and I can only hope for the best. I can just see myself with her all by ourselves and enjoying our time together and not trying to just put all differences between us. I actually like her work stories and get a kick out of the things she talks about that happens to her. The way she says it is the what I like about it so much. I saw my friend today an dhe gave me his CD to listen to and learn the songs so I can play the guitar part on them. I dont knwo if I like it. It saound like the Gap band type of music wit ha touch of Stevie B. :( Anyhow, either I will do it or I will just make up an excuse and try to get out of it. I am just not to speed and dont think will be for a while because something is missing and I know exactly what it is. November/22/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Today I overslept because it is Thanks Giving. I woke up just crying and couldn't stop. I miss her so much. I wish that she was here with me. We have spent the last 3 years together on Thanks Giving. My birthday is this weekend as well and my family was going to do a little birthday thing for me to and my son just called me and told me that he will go with his mom to their Thanks Giving thing because he thinks that there will be his friends there. He doesn't understand that there is 2 hour drive ahead of them just to get there and in a car that might not make it. I just dont understand it. I emailed my girl and let her know my feelings and wished her a Happy Thanks Giving. I hope she would at least call me back and talk to me. I haven't spoken to her in just about 2 days. It is killing me inside. I cant concentrate on anything else. It is bringing me down. I love her too much and really want things to work between us. I went to my family's birthday party last night. It was great but I was so sad not having her beside me. I couldn't eat or really associate with my family. I think it showed. I am not going to their house again today where all my family wil be there. I am too sad and lonely and alone. I don't even have my son with me so what's the point. I only need her to know how sincere my heart is toward her. I just don't understand how someone would push someone away when they know that this person is there for them for anything and everything. My heart is pounding again and I hate this feeling. It si only afternoon time and I am already hating this day. I am just sitting here alone with no one in my life and feeling like a beat man. I feel like I have no energy. I would give anything if the phone just rang I heard her voice saying "lets do something for Thanks Giving and talk". I would give anything. I still haven't recorded my song that I wrote for her because I don't know if that is such a good idea. I have the verses, song and the whole setup. I just need to sit in front of a camera and record it acoustically. There is a saying that says "if you love someone, you set them free and let them be and if they come back to you…. they are yours forever". I really really truely believe in that. I do, and I only hope! November/21/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Today I overslept because I didn't have to take my son to school. I woke up at 8:45. I was up a few times last night in the middle of the night and every time I woke up, I was thinking about her and went back to sleep pretty down. I went for a drive last night for miles and ended up somewhere in Norco and just drove back and on the way back I almost stopped by her place to just see her and say hello and talk to her. I drove by the front and just decided that it wasn't appropriate and knowing her it wasn't a good idea because it will overwhelm her. She is very sensitive when it comes to that stuff. I spoke with her last night for about 15 minutes and it wasn't so bad. I opened up to her more which I haven't done much before and told her how I felt and what I envisioned and she just listened which was very pleasant. I hope I can make her realize that things can get better and can work out and at the end of every tunnel there is always light especially if 2 people agree on things. I am willing so much to do this and hope she will be too. I have never been this serious about something that will take its effect on my whole life. Anyways, I went and picked up my son and brought him to the office with me. There isn't anyone at his mom's house and they just leave in the morning to work and leave him there to sleep by himself. They do that too often and I have to call and wake him up and go get him from their house. With all the stuff going on around their neighborhood lately I don't think it is safe for him to be there alone sleeping by himself But I have no say on that decision. They were recently robbed and a lot of their stuff was stolen from their house. I really feel for the safety of my son being there by himself so I get him as soon as I can and always contact him even if they are there to make sure he is ok. I have to go to my family gathering tonight and am not looking for ward to it. Business is very slow and I am just really in a slow motion mode because of all this but specially my relationship situation. I text messeged my girl and no answer back. I have no desire to eat still and barely have eaten today. I miss her. She is my best friend. November/20/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Today I woke up in a very empty mood without much sleep the night before and got my son ready for school. I dropped him off at school and went to see the place that I may rent at the end of the month. The place looks good so I may just rent it out. Then I came back to my office started to do work and have been here since. It is now almost 3 p.m. and it's time for me to leave and go pick up my son from school. Work has been slow because it's the holidays and people are busy with shopping and holiday time head aches. I really miss my girlfriend. I wish that she would see that I am very sincere about what I have told her in the past 3 days and give me a chance to be that person for her that she deserves. I am finally realized that I need to do a lot of things differently. What hurts me the most is that I have been seriously thinking about this for the past 2 or 3 months and just when I was getting ready to make a very serious move to show her that I am serious about our relationship all this happened. I have been giving my relationship a lot of thoughts and I think that she is the one that makes me happy and gives me the support that I need in order to be a better person. But I have no say anymore and if she sees this in me I think (well I hope) that she will take me back. I actually wrote her a song which I have never done for a woman complete with words and everything explaining the situation and how I feel. I hope she hears it and like sit and sees my sincerity through the verses. As for my son, I really don't like the situation he is in with his mom and the way things are working out on her side with her wanting to move out of the city and it is really starting to take its toll on my son and I don't want that to happen. Hopefully she sees that and comes to her senses. He tells me that his relationship with his step dad is still shaky with the guy yelling at him still all the time. I wish things were different with my life right now and am hoping they will be soon. I would love to have my girlfriend back cause I miss her dearly. November/19/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I didnt sleep at all and was up all night tossing and turning and wondering about my mistakes and how the love of my life can just cut me off. Only if she knew how much I did care for her and wanted her to be a part of my life. I woke up my son and got him ready and took him to school. I bought a post card for my love for thanksgiving and mailed it to her since she doesn't want me to see her. I am still in shock and cant understand why this all happened. But I know that it was more me than her and I am very hurt by it. She says that we weren't meant to be but I believe that we were and only if she knew how much I want to be with her and have in my life. All my day has been ruined by me just spinning in my head thinking about her. She told me not to contact her but I just cant and couldn't. I picked up my son at 3 from school and made him something to eat and brought him back to my office so he can do his homework and then we sat there for another hour and talked and then I took him home to his mom's house so I can be alone for a couple of hours. I went crazy just thinking about how much I wanted to be with her. I am very sad. I wish she would just understand me and be with me and together we could work this out and be very happy together. When we have fun, we really have fun and are very compatible and have a great time together full of joy and laughter. She is a great person and I think she thinks the same of me. I even have told her that I am willing to go to couple's counseling together which she knows I hate with a passion but I am willing to do this to make it work and realize what I need to do in our relationship. I finally picked up my son and brought him home to spend the night with me. I just couldn't be alone. She called and talked to me for 5 minutes and said that she needed some time to herself but I just hope that she is not dating or seeing anyone else. I dont think I deserve that. I have been there for her so much. I still dont know but I thought the last time I saw her, there was someone with her at her apartment but I dont know. I am not sure, when I asked her she just looked at me and was quite. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight but I doubt it. I am so exhausted and havent been able to eat either. I also went to church today and prayed that she would come back to me. I had tears in my eyes but I didnt care. I really feel like I screwed up something very good and want her to know that. November/18/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I cried all day today and just couldn't stop. I was alone all day and didn't have anyone to talk to. My best friend, my girl friend, my companion has cut me off and I think is seeing someone else. It is killing me inside. I have heart aches and have never had that before. II always thought that the term broken hearted was a saying but now I know it is true because the pain that I am having is in my heart and is a very weird pain and the anxiety with it is just very weird and scary. All I want to do now is to hold her in my arms. That is all.... I am almost finished with my song that I started for her. well, with the words anyways and then I will put the music to it. I dont know if I will tell her about it but I just want it written so I can express myself the best way I know how through music. If that is not sincere then nothing is for me. I even thought I saw her last night with some guy at the local bar and I guess I was wrong. She means everything to me. I can only hope that I will have her again and she will take me back. I really believe that she knows how much I care for her. I also believe that she has a great heart and hopefully someday she will realize that I was a great companion for her. We've had a lot of differences but big deal, everyone does. I think maybe she is still a little too young to understand that but she is actually much more mature than a regular person at her age. I text messaged her last night asking her to call me and talk to me and at 1 a.m. I got a text message fro her that just said "p". I have no idea what that was. I am a grown man and feel like a helpless child right about now as I am writing this. November/17/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- I really don't know what to type. I went to my girlfriend's house today and after knocking for a few seconds she opened the door and said that she doesnt want me to speak to her anymore. After 3 years of having a relationship with this person, how could she say that. How could she just cut me off. I have done so much for her and she has done so much for me. We have been each other's best friend for a long long time and shared everything together. I am just in a state of shock. To add to this, I thought there was someone there with her but I am not sure. I have been just alone all day empty, crying, mad, sad and empty again. I haven't had a bite to eat since I woke up this morning. This is the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was trying to plan this to let her know that by Christmas time. My son loves her, I love her, my family loves her. she is the best thing that's happened to me in 3 years. I am so empty and am shaking as I am writing. I have to get out and do something to try to forget about this for now. Maybe get drunk but I think that would get me worst and I will start calling her. I just dont know...... November/16/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Picked up my son from his mom's house and took him to school today. Been thinking about my girl all day today and wondering if she is ok and why we have been having some issues. I thouht about ending it with her but I know that I dont want to because she is the one for me. It was stupid of me to think that. she really is and I know that in order for me to make this work I need to make a lot of changes in myself and be the person that she wants me to be for her. I just cant change myself but I can improve myself and have more respect and hope that she will see that and do the same for me. I really care for this girl and lately things havent been so good. I have been under a lot of pressure from work and my son and her and financial stuff. She has as well. I picked up my son at 3 and took him home and cooked some pasta for him. He was very happy today. I took him to his mom's house. They didnt get home again until 6:30 and then didnt have anything to eat so I knew I had to feed him before I dropped him off. They are very irresponsible when it comes to things like that. I hear my son complaining about a lot of things in that house all the time. I will stay home tonight and think and play my guitar for some relaxation and meditation. I hope that things get a little better for me and my life. It's been bumpy lately. Specially with my relationship and I know that I have to work on it and hopefully she will as well. November/15/2007 ---------------------------------------------------- Woke up this morning and woke up my son and took him to school today. I want to have a major change in my life and I think I am ready to have someone in a very serious matter in my life and been thinking about saying this to my girl. I want to put aside all our little arguments and differences and make us both happy. I want her to be happy because it makes me happy. She is a wonderful person. She has a lot of personal problems and smallest things overwhelm her but then again so does everyone else. We all just have to deal with them. I've been thinking a lot about this girl and how I would like to have her in my life for along long time because she is that kind of girl. She is educated and has a lot of pride and is a very clean and neat person. I think she will make a great mother. Hopefully the mother of my child someday. I just need to have a serious discussion with her and get things going. Maybe get counseling or any other kind of help to get us both in sync with each other. I dont think I will find anyone like her again and really dont want to. I think I need to apologize to her for all the neglections and arguments that have happened between us lately but they are all over stupid stuff. I dont want that in our lives. I am at work right now and been thinking about this for a while now. I want to be happy, I think I need to make her happy and we can both enjoy life together. When we have fun, we really have fun. We are a perfect match when it comes to having fun and goofing off and doing things that we can just enjoy. Business has been fairly slow this month an di think it's because we are getting close to the holidays and poeple are spending their money on gifts. I have to move by the end of the month and have been looking but it is just killing me. I think I need to take avacation wit hmy girl and enjoy ourselves and maybe talk to her then. Maybe I will get her some flowers tonight. I also need to make a plan to start a new kind of business so I can have some kin dof extra income. I woudl love to pick her brain and do something with her because it is a good thing having her as a bsuiness partner because she is very much on top of things. I called her and text messeged her a couple of times today but no answer yet. She must be busy. I need to still work out and clean my place tonight as well. My son is just so messy an di have been trying to teach her to be more clean and he is learning. He is my little Slash ("GNR Guitarist). He loves to play guitar. It is very weird because when he is with me, his mom doesnt even call to see how he is or anything. It coudl be 1 week or more and she wont call to ask for him. This last summer he was at my borther's house most of the summer and I think he spoke to her once or twice in a matter fo 40 or 50 days. I think that is very bad of her. I cant do thaht. I have to speak to my little boy everyday to make sure he is doing ok. I see him and have him everyday anyways so it is good and I can make sure he is doing the right things like school and nutrition and exercise.